CLARKE: THAT F*CKING GUY!

17th February 2011

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JOB BLOG 5: BEING SHIT AND WRITING HITS:

Mid-2001. Months in and I hadn’t worked yet, well a bit, but not on anything that I’d be proud of. Nothing you’d tell your children you’d done or talk about at family gatherings when the smug relatives who said acting was a stupid profession asked, “What are you working on?”

I’d been writing a lot and my little story that I wrote for me, based a bit on my life and mostly about today’s young people was finished. I called it ‘Kidulthood’ but a lot of people didn’t like the name, a lot of people couldn’t say the name and kept saying kid-adulthood, which still pisses me off to this day.

Truthfully, there weren’t many jobs around, even more truthfully I was nowhere near good enough. I was shit. I couldn’t afford drama school so accessed emotions and things differently, I had to learn how to make my techniques work in auditions and on camera and I hadn’t quite mastered it yet. Don’t know if you ever do or if I ever will. Actors can put in great performances but you never see the 20 shit takes we do before the good one because the director and editor only put the best one in.

Then the phone rang, an audition for the soap ‘Family Affairs.’ Now this may sound like the most ungrateful thing you will ever read after moaning about not getting auditions, but I really didn’t want to go. It wasn’t that I disliked the show, I didn’t really watch it, it was more my naivety or arrogance depending on your opinion. In my mind I’d seen more for myself than being in a soap especially one that wasn’t the main two. So I went to the audition and did my thing and a few days later I get the call.

I GOT THE JOB!

My agent was ecstatic she had already started talking money and it was a fair bit. The type of figure that my mum (who was a nurse) would have to work full time for 3 years to get and my friends I went to university with, now in decent jobs would have to work 2 years to get. Family and friends wanted me to do it, my agent wanted me to do it, my mum wanted me to do it, but I didn’t.

I didn’t want to do it. At the time financially it was hard for a broke gym-instructor wannabe actor to say no, but in my mind, I knew I had to. So I did. I said No! A few people were pissed off but I had a vision of where I could be. A plan and that wasn’t a part of it. My girl and my real boys backed me 100% and so that was that. Back to the grind, back to the gym.

Not long after I got an audition for a play at the Oval House called ‘TALKING ABOUT MEN’. It was directed by a guy called Steven Lucky, it was the second touring run of the play about male relationships and I was to play a lead part as a gay man hanging out in sauna. Now I’m not homophobic but I was young and this was a tough choice for me. I had all sorts of people saying I had no stage experience and I was determined to get it, then a play comes up that has me naked and smooching a dude on stage for a month. I couldn’t sleep for days. I’m a pure heterosexual fanny-loving, booby-feeling, lady-shagging guy so I agonised for a while on this until almost a week later my agent called and said they need an answer now!

I was on the phone in silence then thought, man up Clarke… Do you want to be an actor? Or do you want to be a guy who says he’s wants to be an actor but not in anything that challenges him. I want to be challenged. It was as tough for me as was not taking the money on the soap but this was a challenge that meant I would know if I was actually cut out for this, or not. Will Smith did it in ‘Six Degrees of Separation.’ Hilary Swank had everything out and did all sorts in ‘Boys don’t Cry.’ Who the fuck am I? “Fuck it, I’ll do it.” I said. Agent was well chuffed.

I did the play and toured the country and loved it. Hated smooching the guy, but as a character, people never knew that and were surprised that I was straight when speaking to the actors in the bar afterwards. BRAP!! The performance of my short career so far.

So now things were gonna get better? Not really. Back in the gym again, broke as a joke again and not much going on again, still not getting TV or film castings and almost back to square 1. So to stop myself going mad I re-wrote KiDULTHOOD and it became 70% of what it is today. All I could think was if I could play a part like Trife in Kidulthood then people will see that I really can act.

Someone please just gimme a chance, just gimme a chance, just gimme a chance, just gimme ONE chance.

Another month or so went by then I got a call. 2 auditions this week. One for another part in ‘Family Affairs’ apparently they still liked me and now wanted me for another part and the other was for the re-make of a show called ‘Auf Wiedersehen Pet.’

I had been doing a few classes at the actors centre and had really worked on sight-reading which I was pretty good at anyway, so I went to both auditions really relaxed. I’ve never been the nervous type in auditions but had learnt how to prepare and really show that I was interested in learning as much as putting my point across.

The main point and something I think you should always be aware of is that in an audition you should be able to take direction. If you’ve practiced the scene one way then walk into the room and they want it another way, change on the spot. Change immediately to what they want. Piss or get off the pot, simple.

So I went and did the auditions. I remember thinking that ‘Auf Wiedersehen Pet’ was just a remake with a new cast, not that it was actually with the original legends and that the only new member was the part I was up for.

I did them both… and I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited. ‘Family Affairs’ came back first. Another offer. I was happy but just the same situation as before but with money getting tighter and me getting older I was actually considering it this time but I held out hoping for my one chance, hoping I would get ‘Auf Wiedersehen Pet.’ Hoping, still waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Any of you that are actors and go and do auditions know that you spend a lot of time waiting. From the moment you walk out of an audition you have 2 choices. Replay it in your head, or block it out. I’m a block it out guy, but either way, you’re still waiting. So that’s what I did… that’s what I still do.

Then I got the call. They wanted me. One question. Can you drive? Fucking shit, shitty shit shit… I didn’t have a license. (I was familiar with cars, is all I can say here, but I didn’t have a license) My agent told me “you are the number 1 choice but they need you to drive, if you can pass your test in 3 weeks the jobs yours.” My response. “Oh fuck”

I made my to do list

-   Book lessons√

-        Book theory test√

-        Start lessons√

-        Get on driving test cancelations list √

-        Pass the cunt (pending)

To be fair they never asked me if I could drive, so this was a surprise. But if they had asked, I would’ve said yes anyway. Actors have a habit of saying they can do anything to get a job.

Can you box? “Yes”

Can you swim well? “Of course”.

Can you sky dive? “Yeah”.

Ever fought a hippo? “Sure”.

Swam with sharks? “Have done”.

Did you kill the dinosaurs? “I was there, so learnt how to do it”.

Word of advice to actors, don’t lie about what you can do - unless you are willing to get it done. A director buddy of mine told me recently about a short film he cast where the lead actor said he could play something well and when they got on set, he couldn’t. The director’s not happy and said he’s telling everyone he meets.

That shit can come back to haunt you, so either don’t lie, or if you do - the time between getting the job and filming - go out of your fucking mind to learn. Long story short I passed my test and got the job.

The chance that I’d been asking for was here, but was it everything I thought it would be?

COMING SOON: JOB BLOG 6 – QUAIL EGGS AND RED ROCK MOUNTAINS

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